SO TIRED!!!!!!!

As i sit here writing this crying my heart out!!!  I wish straight people even knew half the pain I have live with my whole life!!!! Whenever I just wake up sometimes  curl up into a ball n just cry my heart  out praying n asking God why he made me this way!!!!!!!The pain I feel is no longer mental the pain I feel is real!!! I just wish I wish I was a normal Boy!!!!!! I hate being gay!!!!!!! I want to like girls n not have this complicate life, I want to stop crying myself to sleep, I want to stop screaming into my pillow so one one can hear my pain, I want to stop running out to the rain, wishing it could wash my pain away, I want my parents to truly know who I am , I want to stop hurting !!! I have good days then I have realy really  bad days!!!!!! I hate being gay!!!!! Why god why did you make me this way!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

There’s a couple of theories about gay ppl…   ppl say  ur either born this way or something happen to you when you were younger!!!!! I am a 100% believer in god!!! But why would he let me get molested so many times when I was only 5 years old!!!!!!! Why if god is so strong n loves his children so much why did he put me through that pain, why did god, let my 14 years old cousin try to rape me every time my abuse mom had to hide us in my aunt’s house, why did god let my cousin do those things to me if he knew they were going to influence how I turn out”!!!!!!!Why god Why did you let me be GAY!!!!! I am not strong enough to be gay I wished you would had  made me a fucking drug addict , a serial killer, at least those things can be stop or have a cure!!!! god I am so tired of crying myself to sleep each night wishing  to the north star or blowing my birthday candles or praying to you god to make me straight!!! The pain is so much more them mental it’s in my heart , my heart actually hurts!!!! I am not strong enough to be gay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!                I JUST WANT TO BE STRAIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I WISH SOMEONE WOULD INVENT A PILL SO I COULD BE STRAIGHT !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Chasing Pavements

So recently i have found myself asking why am I still single?. I am great guy, I have an awesome personality I consider myself a good looking guy, I am going to school trying to better myself I am well travel! I am super driven! BUT why am I still single am I unconsciously waiting for my Prince charming to show up!?!?  SB guy we´re still talking n still taking everything slow everything cool but he manage to hurt my feelings this past week so hard I had to fight so hard not to cry in front of him. As I had mention he went to the Bahamas and Miami with his best friend his always talking about his friend  this 40´s something guy he tells him everything and is like his older brother, well he told me that  his friend asked him about me So I was o cool I wonder what he told his best friend the one he trust with his whole life  and asks for advice all the time…………… His response that there wasn´t much to say that we were just ( FRIENDS ) I was like WHAT?!?! Of course I didn’t make a big deal but it felt like a stab to my heart. We´re just (FRIENDS)  : ( sad…At first I thought why would he say that ? is he trying to hurt my feelings on purpose?? Are we just friends and I am the one making this fake  not in a relationship weird thing up in my head that theres no love feelings just friendship feelings ?

I have so many things I like about him his so freaken driven his under 30 and already has his own company but the more i see him stress out n how he doesn’t have much of alone time , plus i dont feel like i am on any of his top ten list of things to care or think about .A huge turn off. I mean I see him and I think to myself is this what I have always wanted to be like  to have my own company to be stressed out to the max!!!! Idk  I know money and material things and Status are important , but the more I want true love n find someone that doesn´t care much about this things n also wants what I want  is so hard to find ---- true love!!  i am an optimist when it comes to true love , I mean I haven’t written SB guy out of the picture yet ,I just wanted to vent because in my straight world no way in hell could I tell my friends about me having my feelings hurt by this guy I cared so much about….

 I want to find someone I can be 100 % me n they won’t judge me and accept my crazy crazy crazy crazy ass.  I want to grow old with them n have a big huge wedding n celebrate n be proud of my love and not have to hide it!!! I want someone to give me the courage, the extra little push to help  me come out of the closest!! I  

I am not going change for anyone I am one of a kind, and I am sure someone out  there in this huge world is my perfect match. Maybe I should get out there  more n find n meet new ppl.

This song fits perfect with the way I feel right now.

Recent picture of me

P.S.Still crushing on this special person Blogger.

tattoos!!!!

So finally got tattoos!!!! So freaken happy they look great, I just wished I had a better camera had to take the pics with the built in camera from my laptop, I used to have 4 cameras but I have the worst luck with cameras, some ppl break cell phones or get them stolen, ME nope just cameras haha

This one is on my left side 

 live the life you have imagined

This one is in Spanish , because Spanish is my second language, n plus its sounds so much better in Spanish.

Se quien ers y di lo que sientes por que los que se molestan no importan y los que importan no les molesta

Translation

 Be Who You Are and Say What You Feel Because Those Who Mind Don't Matter and Those Who Matter Don't Mind.”

Other than getting tattoos just been busy with my normal life, SB finally came back from his Miami trip n Bahamas he told me he had a blast so that’s good, his always stressed out ,he needs to relax more, Every time I see him I  always try to cheer the guy up, n try to get his mind off work for at least a little bit today he was stressing out to the max because he had some complications with some business partners n some buyers and I could tell he just wanted everything to go smoothly wished I could had helped him out so he wouldn´t stress out so much, but finally he sent me a text a few mins  ago, telling me his deal is happening and he got the Green Light! so happy for him. His greatness

Another very interesting thing has happen also, been in contact with another hot young closeted   blogger,  that’s got me feeling some butterflies  in my tummy hahaha very cute guy , I am crushing  HARDCORE !! i can tell his a good guy n can trust him. Who knows what will happen going with the flow….