Of all the gay things out there in the media, gay actors, gay shows, gay music, gay everything. I know for a lot of my peers those things may have helped them out, but for me the movie is really what has spoken to me the most. The movie Brokeback Mountain is what I feel gets me the most. I am from a southern state where cowboys and farms and ignorant red necks are what the norm is. My dad was raised in a farm his how life, my mom super religious, whenever I saw this movie , I thought to myself wow is this how my life is going be , me marrying a woman having kids, living a double life and never being happy! For a while I aint going lie, I thought my life was going be exactly like Brokeback Mountain, but my urge of wanting to get out of the small town life and new experiences and not giving up has brought me to this great city I live now.
In a perfect world I could mix my southern pride/gay lifestyle together and nothing be wrong , but of course life has just made that impossible, watching Brokeback Mountain was such a reality check, I felt like my life was going be a waste in my small southern town , never happy made me turn my fear into my strength !
Watching the movie is a really strong emotional thing for me, I have friends back home who are also in the same situation but have decided to just live through it! I just prayed they have the strength to do it. Once again I am sorry for always bitching about how being gay sucks!!! But I am not use to the idea yet it’s so hard, I just hope expressing myself in my blogs is helping me out in some way.I feel like my acceptance of myself is like if I were bipolar I can be ok with it but a few seconds later I can hate everything about myself! I wish someone could understand me!
I think we all struggle with being labeled "gay" because it's not what we were raised up to be whether it be in school, social media, or religion, however you have to know that there have always been gay peeps since a long time and similar to african americans and another race besides the caucasian/white peeps, gay folks will soon be more accepted as we fight for equal rights such as marriage and are exposed such as being on a tv sitcoms/movies. Being asian and gay isn't easy either, yes, I do struggle with it and am not out and guess what? M 37....which sucks because I've spend over 20 years of my adult life pretending and not be who I am. I dated girls, lead them on, but since I have no passion for them, I eventually treat them bad so they can break up with me. I however, have to wonder into the gay life and have started to initiated friendship with one or two gay guys. One step at a time. Perhaps, you should move to a bigger city and away from family to live your own life. Also, no one is perfect...we all have our crazy moments. Anyway, sorry for long comment. I'll be checking in every so often...cheers.
ReplyDeleteI guess I do understand you. I live in Indonesia where being gay is against any law. Well, maybe we don't have gay bashing and a redneck homophobe, but there is 90% probability to be kicked out of the family when you come out. I guess it will be better if you live far away from your family and your life to make a 'new' life.
ReplyDeleteI am very sure there are so many gay men that cover themselves by marrying a girl and having kids. However, they will sneak up at night or after work or whatever just to suck or to be sucked by another man. There are also some men have wife and male-wife in the same time. Thing even worse when you only can find a guy to get laid in mIrc or city park around night.
Anyway, I love reading your blog. It is so real and I always learn something from your writing. Keep writing James.