As i sit here writing this crying my heart out!!! I wish straight people even knew half the pain I have live with my whole life!!!! Whenever I just wake up sometimes curl up into a ball n just cry my heart out praying n asking God why he made me this way!!!!!!!The pain I feel is no longer mental the pain I feel is real!!! I just wish I wish I was a normal Boy!!!!!! I hate being gay!!!!!!! I want to like girls n not have this complicate life, I want to stop crying myself to sleep, I want to stop screaming into my pillow so one one can hear my pain, I want to stop running out to the rain, wishing it could wash my pain away, I want my parents to truly know who I am , I want to stop hurting !!! I have good days then I have realy really bad days!!!!!! I hate being gay!!!!! Why god why did you make me this way!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
There’s a couple of theories about gay ppl… ppl say ur either born this way or something happen to you when you were younger!!!!! I am a 100% believer in god!!! But why would he let me get molested so many times when I was only 5 years old!!!!!!! Why if god is so strong n loves his children so much why did he put me through that pain, why did god, let my 14 years old cousin try to rape me every time my abuse mom had to hide us in my aunt’s house, why did god let my cousin do those things to me if he knew they were going to influence how I turn out”!!!!!!!Why god Why did you let me be GAY!!!!! I am not strong enough to be gay I wished you would had made me a fucking drug addict , a serial killer, at least those things can be stop or have a cure!!!! god I am so tired of crying myself to sleep each night wishing to the north star or blowing my birthday candles or praying to you god to make me straight!!! The pain is so much more them mental it’s in my heart , my heart actually hurts!!!! I am not strong enough to be gay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I JUST WANT TO BE STRAIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I WISH SOMEONE WOULD INVENT A PILL SO I COULD BE STRAIGHT !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
James: What happened? It breaks my heart to hear you talk like this with so much despair because you seem so upbeat in previous posts. I'm sorry for the pain you have suffered.
ReplyDeleteBecause you can't change who you are, you will have to learn to accept it and be at peace with it. And for some that is a struggle. It took me awhile to accept myself, and now i wouldn't want to change because being gay is a part of me.
I don't know what the link is between your earlier child abuse and being gay, there's may not be any connection at all but you should not have to carry that burden yourself. Your school should have a counseling center, please talk to someone about this. And if you think you need therapy, see if that is covered by your medical insurance.
We all need professional help at times in our lives and this certainly sounds like one of those situations. You don't have to suffer alone. You are stronger than you think, please don't give up.
Hang on man...
ReplyDeleteWe are here for you....
thanks for the support!!!
ReplyDeleteJames: I am not very religious so I did not have this additional burden that you carry; it was hard enough trying to live up to society's expectations and I decided to live for myself, not for others. But I understand the extra difficulties you have accepting yourself because of religion and I've read many blogs where guys came to reconcile being gay with their faith.
ReplyDeleteWhenever I come across someone struggling too much, I always point them to this website:
http://www.familyacceptance.org/questions/question8.html
It's a testimonial of how one religious family came to accept, support and love their gay son. You don't have to suffer alone.
Yes, I have the same sentiments as many of the above commentators after reading your posts. I know it's hard and yes, we all need professional help sometimes as well as support from family and friends. Just don't wait like me, I'm in my late 30s and just started to accept my gay self; it's easier said than done, I know- I have one foot in the door; just taking it one step at a time. Don't give up. Keep on blogging. :-D
ReplyDeleteJames,
ReplyDeleteA couple of thoughts. God made gay people too.
I know little of the Morman faith except it doesn't harbor warm
fuzzy feelings for gay people and the Church is in a middle of a large
print and television advertising campaign.
What's the current status of the 14 yo cousin who abused you? Did someone abuse him? I agree you might need some professional help
to sort your feelings.
Be well, be good, be safe.
Alex
thank you all for ya´lls support, but dont worry i am a strong guy i can handle this,, thank you all again
ReplyDeleteJames: See that's the point, you come across as a strong guy yet even you can temporarily lose it. Under that tough guy exterior there beats the heart of a young and sensitive man. I can tell by the things you write and feel.
ReplyDeleteThe contrast from swagger to surprising revelations about your suffering, that's what people are reacting to when we say you should consider professional help. And it is not a sign of weakness to do so. It takes a strong guy (and smart) to recognize that he may need some help dealing with tough issues. Maybe it was enough to vent things in this post but it sounds like this is something that has been continually affecting you for awhile.
So please, think about getting help. Your college has counselors that will keep things totally confidential.
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ReplyDeleteI am sorry to hear this. I am really not the right person to give any advise, because I am also trying to figure myself out. I know i like guys, but I would also want to have a straight life.
ReplyDeleteI take things day by day, and I tell myself that things happen for a reason. I know that if certain things in my life did not happen that I would not be here today. And I would not be the man I am today.
You are a brave man to have shared this experience with us. Accepting what has happened in the past will help you with the present and will better prepare you for the future.
You ok?
ReplyDeleteHaven't heard from you, for a long time.
I came back to check on James too, same as J.A. I sure hope he's alright.
ReplyDeleteBud -- I am sorry for your pain...
ReplyDeleteYou are NOT gay because you were molested. You are gay because you are gay.
Please get help............