Watch this Video

This Video is so strong!!I watched this video and literally had that throat feeling you get when you’re really sad or about to cry!!I am so thankful I was never bullied in school, but I do know how cruel kids can be, I am proud to say I was the kid that would stand up to the bullies, I remember one time when I was in the basketball team I had gone into the locker room n saw how the whole basketball team had gained up on a jv player and where just throwing basketballs at him as hard as they could just because the kid couldn’t defend himself, I immediately put a stop to it.Even though the kid never said a thank you or showed that he appreciated what I did, I knew I had done something good.

I admit I did some bullying back in high school but It was usually aimed at the bullies who would pick on younger guys, just wanted to teach them a lesson, I was deff not a role model but I always stood up for the little guys, or would always try to say hi to ppl who didn’t have friends, I just always felt like me being gay, I was vulnerable to someone finding out about me, and me being n the same boat one day  and wishing someone would stand up to ppl like I did. Seeing my mom bully, beaten and scared of my dad made me want to protect ppl also!! To this day if I see someone not speak up, I will do it for them, even if it’s none of my business .

Gay Party

So yep this weekend I went to my first gay party it was very interesting and I loved it!! I live in a City with a population over ten million  people  everyone I meet is  interesting but the gay guys and( fag hags)  that’s what you call a girl who loves to hang out with gay guys were like 10X more interesting, haha I loved it I was very intimated  all the guys were ultra-successful I went with an editor of the magazine Elle , met him through a mutual friend n wowzaaahhh him and all his friends were super intelligent and super successful talking about such topics as , Velazquez  his great paintings ( thank god I did a report on him in High School haha), the economy in Europe especially  how bad it is in Spain right now , political issues and modern topics of new music n new fashion designers, everyone speaking 2 or 3 different languages  thank God I can speak English n Spanish fluently and I am  beginner level on French,  music was all techno no Brittney or gaga music.

 I was prob one of the manliest guys there and few queens but no over the top skanky queens, I love it! Very good looing guys only one I liked but he had a boyfriend we kept eyeing each other but neither of us took the initiative, I kind of regret it now, since I am so picky and that guy had it all, I swear if I run into him again, will deff talk to him and not be a chicken about it. I was by the far the youngest guy there also all guys around 25 to 35 years old,, I am deff loving this older guys who have it more together, very hot turn on  .

Off that topic ROLLL TIDE BAMA!!!!! Going be playing LSU for the national championship game!! ROLLLL TIDE ROLL!!!! For my new readers I am from Alabama so hard core fan of the TIDE

miss my blog

Over a month since i have written in my blog crazy. Just haven´t been in the mood, I initially started this blog as a way to release everything I have inside of me and help me accept who I am.No idea it would only take a few months for this to take effect, I can honestly say due to my blog I have shared everything and learned to accept myself, I am a proud halfway out of the closet gay guy!!  

I even thought about just posting a regular picture where ya can see what I look like, still thinking it over.

As for my everyday life, 2 more weeks of school till I have Christmas vac, might take classes during this break  not sure yet,  been thinking maybe going to Europe for 2 years to continue my education I would love it!!!

As for  SB guy hahah well  I said on my last blogg I was done , but nope  I don’t know what we are, we’re not friends, boyfriends, we just have something very special  n since I am not technically in a relationship with him I have been whoreing it up, last 2 months prob been with 5 guys!! Haha

I always wear protection when I have sex, have to be extra careful always!, because of the high risk of hiv, aids in the gay community, but idk I knew I was perfectly fine whenever I was taking the test, but since it was my very first test I was nervous,, it deff takes some guts to go n take that test , deff not something comfortable to do , but it’s a must to be a healthy person, Safe sex always!!!

Miss my bloggers!!!! I read all the emails ya send me always!!! And also love reading the comments ya leave me!!! Thanks everybody smalltownboybigcity@gmail.com

  
Sorry this wasnt a very excitiing blog,, i just gotta wait for the writing bug to bite me
some pictures of me

SO TIRED!!!!!!!

As i sit here writing this crying my heart out!!!  I wish straight people even knew half the pain I have live with my whole life!!!! Whenever I just wake up sometimes  curl up into a ball n just cry my heart  out praying n asking God why he made me this way!!!!!!!The pain I feel is no longer mental the pain I feel is real!!! I just wish I wish I was a normal Boy!!!!!! I hate being gay!!!!!!! I want to like girls n not have this complicate life, I want to stop crying myself to sleep, I want to stop screaming into my pillow so one one can hear my pain, I want to stop running out to the rain, wishing it could wash my pain away, I want my parents to truly know who I am , I want to stop hurting !!! I have good days then I have realy really  bad days!!!!!! I hate being gay!!!!! Why god why did you make me this way!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

There’s a couple of theories about gay ppl…   ppl say  ur either born this way or something happen to you when you were younger!!!!! I am a 100% believer in god!!! But why would he let me get molested so many times when I was only 5 years old!!!!!!! Why if god is so strong n loves his children so much why did he put me through that pain, why did god, let my 14 years old cousin try to rape me every time my abuse mom had to hide us in my aunt’s house, why did god let my cousin do those things to me if he knew they were going to influence how I turn out”!!!!!!!Why god Why did you let me be GAY!!!!! I am not strong enough to be gay I wished you would had  made me a fucking drug addict , a serial killer, at least those things can be stop or have a cure!!!! god I am so tired of crying myself to sleep each night wishing  to the north star or blowing my birthday candles or praying to you god to make me straight!!! The pain is so much more them mental it’s in my heart , my heart actually hurts!!!! I am not strong enough to be gay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!                I JUST WANT TO BE STRAIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I WISH SOMEONE WOULD INVENT A PILL SO I COULD BE STRAIGHT !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Chasing Pavements

So recently i have found myself asking why am I still single?. I am great guy, I have an awesome personality I consider myself a good looking guy, I am going to school trying to better myself I am well travel! I am super driven! BUT why am I still single am I unconsciously waiting for my Prince charming to show up!?!?  SB guy we´re still talking n still taking everything slow everything cool but he manage to hurt my feelings this past week so hard I had to fight so hard not to cry in front of him. As I had mention he went to the Bahamas and Miami with his best friend his always talking about his friend  this 40´s something guy he tells him everything and is like his older brother, well he told me that  his friend asked him about me So I was o cool I wonder what he told his best friend the one he trust with his whole life  and asks for advice all the time…………… His response that there wasn´t much to say that we were just ( FRIENDS ) I was like WHAT?!?! Of course I didn’t make a big deal but it felt like a stab to my heart. We´re just (FRIENDS)  : ( sad…At first I thought why would he say that ? is he trying to hurt my feelings on purpose?? Are we just friends and I am the one making this fake  not in a relationship weird thing up in my head that theres no love feelings just friendship feelings ?

I have so many things I like about him his so freaken driven his under 30 and already has his own company but the more i see him stress out n how he doesn’t have much of alone time , plus i dont feel like i am on any of his top ten list of things to care or think about .A huge turn off. I mean I see him and I think to myself is this what I have always wanted to be like  to have my own company to be stressed out to the max!!!! Idk  I know money and material things and Status are important , but the more I want true love n find someone that doesn´t care much about this things n also wants what I want  is so hard to find ---- true love!!  i am an optimist when it comes to true love , I mean I haven’t written SB guy out of the picture yet ,I just wanted to vent because in my straight world no way in hell could I tell my friends about me having my feelings hurt by this guy I cared so much about….

 I want to find someone I can be 100 % me n they won’t judge me and accept my crazy crazy crazy crazy ass.  I want to grow old with them n have a big huge wedding n celebrate n be proud of my love and not have to hide it!!! I want someone to give me the courage, the extra little push to help  me come out of the closest!! I  

I am not going change for anyone I am one of a kind, and I am sure someone out  there in this huge world is my perfect match. Maybe I should get out there  more n find n meet new ppl.

This song fits perfect with the way I feel right now.

Recent picture of me

P.S.Still crushing on this special person Blogger.

tattoos!!!!

So finally got tattoos!!!! So freaken happy they look great, I just wished I had a better camera had to take the pics with the built in camera from my laptop, I used to have 4 cameras but I have the worst luck with cameras, some ppl break cell phones or get them stolen, ME nope just cameras haha

This one is on my left side 

 live the life you have imagined

This one is in Spanish , because Spanish is my second language, n plus its sounds so much better in Spanish.

Se quien ers y di lo que sientes por que los que se molestan no importan y los que importan no les molesta

Translation

 Be Who You Are and Say What You Feel Because Those Who Mind Don't Matter and Those Who Matter Don't Mind.”

Other than getting tattoos just been busy with my normal life, SB finally came back from his Miami trip n Bahamas he told me he had a blast so that’s good, his always stressed out ,he needs to relax more, Every time I see him I  always try to cheer the guy up, n try to get his mind off work for at least a little bit today he was stressing out to the max because he had some complications with some business partners n some buyers and I could tell he just wanted everything to go smoothly wished I could had helped him out so he wouldn´t stress out so much, but finally he sent me a text a few mins  ago, telling me his deal is happening and he got the Green Light! so happy for him. His greatness

Another very interesting thing has happen also, been in contact with another hot young closeted   blogger,  that’s got me feeling some butterflies  in my tummy hahaha very cute guy , I am crushing  HARDCORE !! i can tell his a good guy n can trust him. Who knows what will happen going with the flow….

Gay Aquarius, the Revolutionary Social Climber

The Water Bearer is identified with Ganymede, a handsome youth who caught the heavenly eye; first of Eos, Goddess of the Dawn, who abducted him from a lonely sheep-field.

She, in turn lost him to Zeus, King of the Gods, who, having an appropriately Greek interest in young Shepherds, sent an eagle to retrieve him for a houseboy. Following a great deal of drama over this affair, Zeus was forced by his furious wife to put his boy-toy away among the Constellations for all to admire. Heheh wouldn’t mind being Zeus’s boy toy now lol.

There are 2 types of Aquarius the quiet one, shy doesn’t like to draw attention, and there’s the Aquarius I am loud, exciting, love meeting new people, trying new experiences n traveling

My Biggest Strength: My eclectic way of seeing things

My Potential Weakness: Know-it-all attitude puts others off

Yeah I  am a big fan of horoscopes! Whenever I like somebody, one of the first things i  asked them is what is there horoscopes to see if ours match and are compatible.

FYI Starbucks is a Gemini so he and I are actually a perfect match haha!!!

Just a picture of a straight friend of mine,  he uploaded the picture on facebook today, figure i would share

Marco Da Silva

Not really my style to just put pictures of hot guys, but DAMN I had to make an exception with Marco Da Silva his in his early 30’s n is super fine!!!You ever see  a guy and just say, damn I would let him do anything to me! Well that’s exactly what I think about Marco his From Spain a choreographer and I don t know why, but I am pretty sure I will meet him one day, FUCKNESSSSSSS HIS SUPER HOTZZZZZZZZ

Greeks knew I was going be gay!

The mythology behind Aquarius contains strongly gay overtones the straight world rarely mentions. The Water Bearer is identified with Ganymede, a handsome youth who caught the heavenly eye; first of Eos, Goddess of the Dawn, who abducted him from a lonely sheep-field.

She, in turn lost him to Zeus, King of the Gods, who, having an appropriately Greek interest in young Shepherds, sent an eagle to retrieve him for a houseboy. Following a great deal of drama over this affair, Zeus was forced by his furious wife to put his boy-toy away among the Constellations for all to admire.

So had my second date this pass Saturday, pretty good I am actually happy, we get along so good, it’s weird I have found someone who I get along so good with and have a great connection plus we both feel the sexual tension, the best part is I am 100 percent myself with him and he likes my personality and the way I am. Also I am not going rush anything i am super attracted to him, but I am going wait on the sex part.

There is something that’s kind of bad on his part, the first time we hung out he told me that his ex was very successful guy in his 40’s and that they still talk a lot because his a good friend, I had no problem with that because I am not a jealous person, but this Saturday he told that he wanted to be honest with me and that his actually living with this guy , and doesn’t know how to end, and of course whenever I heard that I was like fuck? Too good to be true! So I have no idea what to do , we haven’t kiss or even done anything, I know I should back away since he told me this, but have no clue on what to do, ,, since it’s so hard for me to find someone I actually like, I know for sure I am deff not going have sex with the guy until his out of that house if I decide to still talk to him, and a weird way I feel like I am the other woman and his cheating ,, not very good karma points on myself.

Osama Bin Laden Dead, Tornados, Spring Break, New crush

Has been weeks since I have updated been super busy, with school, spring break and life period.

So Osama Bin Laden is dead, and I couldn’t be any happier, glad his gone! yeah I know his supporters are piss, but he needed to be punish for what he did on 9/11. Whenever Obama gave that speech it gave me chill bumps, I am still an Obama fan even though he hasn’t accomplish everything he promise, but has done a lot of things, just wished he do ,more.

Tornados in the south this past week destroy Tuscaloosa and killed 151 people, I had written I was form the south, but I am going go head and say, I am from Alabama and whenever this happen I was truly worry for my family and friends, I was safe since I am studying out of the state in the big city, but just keep Alabama and everyone that lost things in your prayers,  I am lucky my family only had to go without electricity for about a week.

Spring Break 2011!! So no beach for me this year, Adrian my best friend who is French and I went to Mexico, San Luis to raft and repel and hike! Love it!! I had a blast met a lot of nice and cool people,, I know everyone thinks Mexico is this dangerous place, but I always felt safe! I recommend it to  anyone who hasn’t try rafting to try it!! My new favorite sport, last year I went in kayak in los Cabos in the ocean, but this was so much better!!

Me

beautiful

So this pass Tuesday I  met this guy in Starbucks, ,, I never do this but i was on craigslist trying to find some part time job for summer, when I wander off to the section of personals for gay guys, and saw that this guy had written a good post and I decided to reply, which I never do. Well I think that happen on Monday, and  on Tuesday when I arrived early from school I was just curious to see if he had reply back, and he had, he was wanting to meet to see if we would hit if off, and I was like ummm no super sketchy!! But finally I said fuck it I’ll go where do you want to meet, and he said Starbucks,

Well on my way I had really low standards thinking the worst, but whenever I arrived I was surprised/shocked the guy was cute, and from then on I think we talked a lil bit over 2 hours, and the time went by so fast I was having a blast, I deff sound like a 12 year old girl with a strong crush, but I haven’t felt like this for somebody in  over a year!! So maybe this will go good , have been texting each other but I am trying not to overdo it, this Thursday night we’re supposed to hang out again so, hopefully everything will go great!! O yeah his from California 27 years old, great smile and great eyes and super personality!haha yeah I sound like a 12 year old girl, I am just going stop now .

Brokeback Mountain

Of all the gay things out there in the media, gay actors, gay shows, gay music, gay everything. I know for a lot of my peers those things may have helped them out, but for me the movie is really what has spoken to me the most. The movie Brokeback Mountain is what I feel gets me the most. I am from a southern state where cowboys and farms and ignorant red necks are what the norm is. My dad was raised in a farm his how life, my mom super religious, whenever I saw this movie , I thought to myself wow is this how my life is going be , me marrying a woman having kids, living a double life and never being happy! For a while I aint going lie, I thought my life was going be exactly like Brokeback Mountain, but my urge of wanting to get out of the small town life and new experiences and not giving up has brought me to this great city I live now.

In a perfect world I could mix my southern pride/gay lifestyle together and nothing be wrong , but  of course life has just made that impossible, watching Brokeback Mountain was such a reality check, I felt like my life was going be a waste in my small southern town , never happy made me turn my fear into my strength !

Watching the movie is a really strong emotional thing for me, I have friends back home who are also in the same situation but have decided to just live through it! I just prayed they have the strength to do it. Once again I am sorry for always bitching about how being gay sucks!!! But I am not use to the idea yet it’s so hard, I just hope expressing myself in my blogs is helping me out in some way.I feel like my acceptance of myself is like if I were bipolar I can be ok with it but a few seconds later I can hate everything about myself! I wish someone could understand me!

beliefs, convictions, hopes

So I told a really good friend of mine that knows about me, about my blog, and he read it and thinks it’s great the guy is really smart so, i was grateful with what he said about my blog, he also said it be great if I wrote about about my  beliefs, convictions, hopes.

Beliefs
One of the Mormon beliefs is that after Christ died there was an apostasy or falling away from the truth. This truth was fully restored with the organization of the Mormon church,, I believe his my savior and I love god, i call myself the new and improve Mormon. We are a very strict religion, as a young kid until the age of 18 I use to go to church Sundays ‘Wednesday. After 18 we are asked if we want to do missionary work for 2 years. I said no, but have regretted that decision so much, but whenever I am home I try to go out with the missionaries  and help them spread the word, some are actually surprise i didn’t go on a mission because I am really good at it. Now i am also not a perfect Mormon, I cuss like a sailor, I like sex, and I am gay!! But just because I don’t follow every rule doesn’t mean I don’t believe in my religion, I love being a Mormon I grew up in the church and will for always be grateful for that.

Convictions
I have many, I  believe in people's right, gay marriage, animal rights, I hate child abuse.sex abuse anything that harms kids. Very democrat if that helps any explain how I am, drugs? I have actually tried a number of drugs , weed, cocaine,acid,mushrooms, but just because I have tried them doesn’t mean I am a druggie, just something I have always wanted to try!, don’t want to be 89 years old and regret anything, but of course only try the drugs once and with people I  highly trust. I must say drugs are over rated. Drug of choice! Beer!!

Hopes
I hope for many things but as a quote I heard while I was traveling though south America, don’t ever make plans because god will just laugh at you. So I don’t bother making plans, but i do hope , to finish my degree in international business and also have my minor in French and get a job that will let me travel, I love to travel.
I also hope to make enough money in the future so i can help my parents retired early.
 When it comes to love who knows who I will be in love or if I will ever do find true love, I am a masculine guy, but I am true believer in love, and that it exist and that we all have our soul mate somewhere in the world just waiting for us.

Back to real life. Jan 28,2011

Well today has been a super eventful day. Went to the airport and barley made it to the airplane, had a rough hangover. Last night  was my last night in Cabo and since tiff’s family own three, five stars restaurants in Cabo we decided to start our night there at the bar area, I had told myself that night that I was going be responsible because  I had to wake up at a decent time to pack my suitcase. Well none of that really happen ended up going to bed at 5 super late since we stayed up drinking beer, and smoking hookah all night only got about 5 good hours of sleep. The airplane ride would had been a whole lot better if only I would had paid the extra 50 dollars for first class, the whole time I had a really annoying little girl that I swear did not shut her mouth the whole trip, I could had choked that little girl.

Finally arrive to my destination and waited in the airport about an hour for my new roommate to get off work so I could head over to my new apartment super pump!! I left my old apartment which was in the new hip  district and all the bars and cool restaurants, but would take me about 30 mins to get to my university every day and I was over that, My new apartment is in the middle of all the business buildings  in the heart of the city, super cool. Plus my roommate is a really nice guy from Texas 25 years has the typical frat look brown hair, and strong blue eyes and a strong jaw line , his straight though so it’s cool we both love basketball and football we talked a lot of sports today. He has landed a very good job, he studied the same thing I am so that’s awesome since he might be able to help me out in the future.

                                                                                      

We talked about many things his a great guy deff going be good friends. Funny thing is that I mention him that where we live is kind of close to the gay district and he said yeah but wasn’t worry when he saw me because he has a very good gay radar haha guess not good enough

O Shucks

Sorry about my last blog being ultra long and that's just half of the whole Pate bullshit, but its cool i ain't bitter ha ha.

I figure i write on what i did today,since i leave Los Cabos Thursday Danny and Tiff took me to this place tourist don't know about  a small town call the Beer Kegs and were going stay in a very nice resort for 3 days, but one of our friends his name is Cesar from Spain came with us nicest person in the world super layed back, doesn't have a care in the world, and whenever they informed he was Bipolar i was Shocked! ,because i figure Bipolar people were always pissy,cranky. I realized that being bipolar is just not being OK and then being piss off the next second,Its a super scary thing. Cesar forgot to take his regular pill and was acting like he was out of it the whole day, took him minutes to respond to you, and i felt so bad because i should had know there was something wrong with him, i made him go kayaking in the Pacific ocean with me,,, so lucky he didn't get a panic attack, or his brain just stopped working,Tiff told me when its really bad, his like a mummy he doesn't respond to anything or move. We were going stay tonight but decided to come back because Cesar wasn't feeling well .He kept apologizing for ruing my last days in Los Cabos so he wanted me to have his broken shades so, and whenever he did this i got that really strong feeling you get in your throat when you watch a sad movie,, So i said Broskie,Braw,Bromontana its not about me having fun for a few days, we're all worry about your health i would pick to go back 100 times more then stay here and watch you in pain, and i told him i wouldn't accept his shades unless he accepted my cowboy hat i had brought with me from grandfather's ranch, and he did. His a Great Guy Hope He gets to feeling better

Goodbye Cabo

So my two months of winter vacation have finally come to an end.I have been here in Los Cabo beautiful place staying with some really great friends Danny and Tiff.

Tiff and Danny are extremely smart people not your average couple but that's what makes them stand above all the other couples.

they also know about me, only 5 people in my life know about me. Every time I came out to this 5 individuals I was super drunk, that's the only way I could build up the courage/strength and once I did tell them that's when the waterworks would start, have never told someone I was gay sober, and I have no idea when I will have the courage to do that.Main reason I came out to this people is not because I wanted to be a step closer to being out of the closet, but because I truly honestly cared for this people and consider them my best friends for life and I felt that them not knowing that I was gay was them knowing a fake version of me which was driving me nuts and plus me telling someone that I am gay is deff the biggest compliment i can give someone because I am sharing something with them that I have had hidden for 21 years and more to come...

Los Cabo has been a great place to get away from the big city life its super calm and the beach is great and its never cloudy, but you deff don't want to be here if your single because all you see are couples double barf. Los Cabos has a very small population of gays which sucked for me because I couldn't meet anyone on the Down low as myself to hook up,which I am not always trying to hook up but come on I'm a 21 year old guy I get super horny sometimes its out of  my control! So this lead me to use Stank Ass Manhunt ,I really hate it since the only reason people use it is to have sex, now I know I just said I get super horny and want to have sex but not in the slutty way manhunt is used for I would like to meet a great looking guy n hang some and then smoosh(sex) for anyone who hasn't used manhunt don't its a waste of time just horny 50 year olds that want to bang hot guys, i' ve had money offer before , that's how crazy it gets... but I did manage to find this OK looking guy nothing special great body in fact his body was in better shape then mine and i am pretty proud to say I have good body also,but yeah  don't get me wrong I love guys with great bodies but that ain't everything personality/face, hate how alot of guys now days think that just because they got muscles they can get who ever they want,,,,, Negative you juice monkeys .. sorry I got off track so anyways me in this guy start to web cam for a good while and then he ask me if I had ever jerked off on a web cam,, and of course I have me and this guy from back home also in the closet use to do it all the time.So we start grabbing ourselves  in front of the web cam  and everything goes good, funny thing is that no matter if there either beside you on the bed or on web cam after the sex and you just ain't interested you skit skat out of there ,so i nicely told the guy I had to go meet up with some friends and I was running late, the guy felt bad and so did I ,but i told him it was just a one night web cam thing.

later on that night I went to this bar call the Pub where some friends I had made where there waiting for me ended up geting super wasted and spent about an hour talking to the lead singer of the band super hot reminded me alot of James Franco but straight named Lukas which I don't think he was 100% straight I asked him if he could play Don't Stop Believing  by Journey he told me they already played it but promise me next time I came to watch him play  he would play it for me,,,lets fast forward to this pass

Thursday I arrive at the Bar first thing that happens is that we make eye contact while his on stage playing no lie 2 minutes later he started playing Don't stop Believing by Journey for a split second I thought OK this guy is hardcore into me , but then I thought pointless though cause I leave in a few days to risky also since i was there with some friends that know nothing about me in the closet, so I smiled at him as a thank you for playing my song and decided not pursue it , because one thing with closeted gay guys or straight guys is that we're always on 50/50 thing if we should ever try to flirt or hit on someone because of all we have to lose and how dangerous it is.

Hello

Hello To anyone who happens to find my Blog, have decided to  start blogging as a way to release all this energy and pressure I have built up inside of me , deff not the writing type not the best speller either and deff not someone who you would meet and guess I would have a blog.Some information about myself  I'm 21 years old played basketball,favorite sport and high school but also took ,art classes,,was in choir, and started in two plays while in high school,did all this activities while still super busy with school/social life, I was just trying to make sure my parents were proud of me because i had this weird theory in high school that maybe if they have tons of things to be proud of me, then whenever I do come out to them in the future then they won't be as pissed, Being a closeted gay person takes so much strength , i am totally happy for the people that are out , but not all of us can be out . the only think i knew in school was that if I stayed super busy or either drunk all the time they were a  perfect way to not think about my sexual feelings towards boys.

Right now in my life I am in a private university in one of the world's biggest city plus population of the world studying International Business trying to figure myself out .

Social Life super great if  I were truly a straight guy have tons of straight friends, girls love me and I can tell if I just asked them they totally let me fucked them, but come on I'm hardcore into MEN,have had a few hook ups with guys in the same boat as me ,So hopefully I will have people that will follow me and help me through this journey by letting me spill my guts here , like we say in the dirty south Get R Done!!!!!

p.s.feel free to write me at smalltownboybigcity@gmail.com right now I'm in vacation in Los Cabo have some free time before I have to go back to school.